Progress?

I'm not really sure why I am feeling this. Save that today wasn't that great of a day at work. Feeling pretty worthless in that I keep messing up. Little things, but they are things that I'm trying to do right, but I can't seem to do them well enough for the QA person. I feel like a bum when I'm at home and that Matt does all the work. And I know he would disagree. It's just how I feel.

I can't seem to get the energy to finish a project. I still haven't finished a large cross stitch for months. The little ones, no problem. But those are the ones that can be done in a couple of days. I haven't finished the jacket for james, I need to find a blackwork pattern that I want to put on the lapels and sew the back attachment. But I need him over here to make sure it's going to fit right.

I haven't made any soap like I've been wanting to for months. Every time I want to make it, there's another obstacle. Money, equipment or something else gets in the way.

I don't think my garden is going to do well this summer, I planted too late. I have spiders making webs in my lettuce, but I don't know how to fix it at the moment and I have places in my yard that are completely dead. As in not even weeds will grow there. That's pretty damned dead.

To top it all off, my friends James and Rose might be moving to Southern Utah. He has a line on a job doing something that he wants to do. Not that I begrudge him that, I wish I could make money doing something that I WANT to do. Not something that I HAVE to. But I thought the plan was to eventually move to Oregon and start the farm there. I don't want to go to southern Utah. It's even hotter there than here. And drier. I want to go to Oregon so badly my teeth hurt. Why have I been working to get experience in growing vegetables and herbs if that's not going to happen?

It seems like every step forward has kicked me two steps back. I can't make any progress, not in reducing my debt not in getting my business going and not in the overall plan. Am I just bashing my head against a wall?

I'm frustrated at work, tired when I get home and when I've rested a little, I feel too depressed to do anything else. Maybe the trick is to keep moving and not sit down at all. Right now I just want to cry.

Maybe I'll just go and wash dished instead. Keep moving.