I had a bad day at work. The compressor didn't work until 2 o'clock this afternoon so we had to deal with a backup that doesn't keep half the pressure we need. Rather annoying. My review has been put off til I don't know when. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.
I'm tired and I hate not knowing where I stand. With all the corrections I've needed from Sharla, I'm not sure if I'll even be able to work upstairs. And if that's the case, what's the point of staying there? I might as well work in an office again, I wouldn't be nearly so tired at the end of the day and I might make more money so I can get rid of my debt and moving to Oregon will be easier.
I'm pretty sure that I'll be ok, but there's always that lingering doubt. The doubt that I'm just not good enough. I was thinking about this earlier today while marking and cutting foam. Why do I have this need for constant approval? Why can't it be good enough? I know I'm not perfect, who is? But Why do I always have to ask if I'm doing ok, or doing something right?
Maybe it's because I've always wanted to be the person that people think of when they need something. Like, "only Cali can do this", "Cali is so talented that we need to find out what she thinks". It may be that need to be remembered. That what I gave and left behind is more than what I took.
I just hope that I can be that person.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Progress?
I'm not really sure why I am feeling this. Save that today wasn't that great of a day at work. Feeling pretty worthless in that I keep messing up. Little things, but they are things that I'm trying to do right, but I can't seem to do them well enough for the QA person. I feel like a bum when I'm at home and that Matt does all the work. And I know he would disagree. It's just how I feel.
I can't seem to get the energy to finish a project. I still haven't finished a large cross stitch for months. The little ones, no problem. But those are the ones that can be done in a couple of days. I haven't finished the jacket for james, I need to find a blackwork pattern that I want to put on the lapels and sew the back attachment. But I need him over here to make sure it's going to fit right.
I haven't made any soap like I've been wanting to for months. Every time I want to make it, there's another obstacle. Money, equipment or something else gets in the way.
I don't think my garden is going to do well this summer, I planted too late. I have spiders making webs in my lettuce, but I don't know how to fix it at the moment and I have places in my yard that are completely dead. As in not even weeds will grow there. That's pretty damned dead.
To top it all off, my friends James and Rose might be moving to Southern Utah. He has a line on a job doing something that he wants to do. Not that I begrudge him that, I wish I could make money doing something that I WANT to do. Not something that I HAVE to. But I thought the plan was to eventually move to Oregon and start the farm there. I don't want to go to southern Utah. It's even hotter there than here. And drier. I want to go to Oregon so badly my teeth hurt. Why have I been working to get experience in growing vegetables and herbs if that's not going to happen?
It seems like every step forward has kicked me two steps back. I can't make any progress, not in reducing my debt not in getting my business going and not in the overall plan. Am I just bashing my head against a wall?
I'm frustrated at work, tired when I get home and when I've rested a little, I feel too depressed to do anything else. Maybe the trick is to keep moving and not sit down at all. Right now I just want to cry.
Maybe I'll just go and wash dished instead. Keep moving.
I can't seem to get the energy to finish a project. I still haven't finished a large cross stitch for months. The little ones, no problem. But those are the ones that can be done in a couple of days. I haven't finished the jacket for james, I need to find a blackwork pattern that I want to put on the lapels and sew the back attachment. But I need him over here to make sure it's going to fit right.
I haven't made any soap like I've been wanting to for months. Every time I want to make it, there's another obstacle. Money, equipment or something else gets in the way.
I don't think my garden is going to do well this summer, I planted too late. I have spiders making webs in my lettuce, but I don't know how to fix it at the moment and I have places in my yard that are completely dead. As in not even weeds will grow there. That's pretty damned dead.
To top it all off, my friends James and Rose might be moving to Southern Utah. He has a line on a job doing something that he wants to do. Not that I begrudge him that, I wish I could make money doing something that I WANT to do. Not something that I HAVE to. But I thought the plan was to eventually move to Oregon and start the farm there. I don't want to go to southern Utah. It's even hotter there than here. And drier. I want to go to Oregon so badly my teeth hurt. Why have I been working to get experience in growing vegetables and herbs if that's not going to happen?
It seems like every step forward has kicked me two steps back. I can't make any progress, not in reducing my debt not in getting my business going and not in the overall plan. Am I just bashing my head against a wall?
I'm frustrated at work, tired when I get home and when I've rested a little, I feel too depressed to do anything else. Maybe the trick is to keep moving and not sit down at all. Right now I just want to cry.
Maybe I'll just go and wash dished instead. Keep moving.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Producing vs. Consuming
I've been thinking about this argument for a while now and I'd much rather be a part of the producing. Don't get me wrong, we still have to consume. Just a part of our economy. We can't make EVERYTHING we need to survive. But I'm starting to change my circumstances to make/produce more so that I can improve my life. Also, by being able to produce more I can start taking myself off the grid more and more.
More food grown at home means less food purchased at the store, saving money, money which can go to my debt reduction.
More clothes made at home means less buying clothes made in third world sweatshops. Less fuel used to transport the clothes. Now I just need to find a local supplier of cloth, I don't really have time to grow, spin and weave my own. Until then, I will shop at Hancock's fabric. I get good coupons there.
I've always loved making cross stitch, and especially giving them away. Matt keeps telling me to keep a couple of them, and I do. But I much rather see the expression on someone's face when I give them a piece.
I love costuming. Case in point: my friend James asked me to alter a jacket for a photo shoot for him. Well, I did it, but I had a different picture in my mind. So I went out, got some gorgeous fabric and made a different jacket. When he came by to see the altered jacket, he just fell in love with the other. I wasn't certain if he'd like it, but I guess I know my friends.
More food grown at home means less food purchased at the store, saving money, money which can go to my debt reduction.
More clothes made at home means less buying clothes made in third world sweatshops. Less fuel used to transport the clothes. Now I just need to find a local supplier of cloth, I don't really have time to grow, spin and weave my own. Until then, I will shop at Hancock's fabric. I get good coupons there.
I've always loved making cross stitch, and especially giving them away. Matt keeps telling me to keep a couple of them, and I do. But I much rather see the expression on someone's face when I give them a piece.
I love costuming. Case in point: my friend James asked me to alter a jacket for a photo shoot for him. Well, I did it, but I had a different picture in my mind. So I went out, got some gorgeous fabric and made a different jacket. When he came by to see the altered jacket, he just fell in love with the other. I wasn't certain if he'd like it, but I guess I know my friends.
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