New Aquisitions

I just got a load of 2x6's and 2x8's for free by responding to an ad on Craigslist. Not sure exactly what I'm going to do with them. Some of them will be to add some height to the strawberry patch and some will probably go to build my compost pile.

I need to get some seed for a cover crop this fall. Probably clover. It will come back and keep the weeds down during the year. I really need to sit down with my farmer boys and make the plan for next year. Crop rotation and all.

Sometimes I hate it here

I got a call today from my son at school. Someone slashed his tires, again. That goes along with the bullying, name calling and general abuse that he gets. I live in a predominately Hispanic neighborhood and my son is blond with blue eyes. They call him a Nazi and hit him in the hallways. My house has been robbed once and my garage twice. My own bike has been stolen twice, by son's once and my husband's tools were taken as well.

The whole situation gets me so angry my arms feel like vibrating because I want to take the little fuckers and beat the shit out of them. No goddamned respect for other people's belongings or the money it takes their parents to replace what you are destroying because you don't like this boy who hasn't done anything to you but look different. He doesn't insult you, he doesn't pull pranks on you. He doesn't want to make fun of you. He just wants to go to school and make friends. He wants to know that he can walk down the street without fearing that you will stop and beat him up.

Further Realizations

I never realized I could be this happy. I'm calm, not too stressed out. It's wonderful. Although I did have a small meltdown earlier today. And it reminded me why I hated working in computers. They do things with no meaning sometimes. Do computers have a purpose beyond a useful tool? Why have we become slaves to these things? Because we want to stay connected to the rest of the world and play games. I've noticed that I am spending more time away from my computer. I'm not on it for hours at a time anymore. I have things to do. Things that make me happy and provide for my family and their well-being. Cleaning the house, canning food or making stuff for the house.

I was able to get rid of a large stack of movies today. Took them to a place that buys them. I wanted to get cash for them, as I don't want to buy anything more. They offered me a respectable amount, but they would give me twice as much if I wanted in-store credit. Since I wanted to get rid of them, I agreed. Even though it annoyed me.

Then it was off to get my tire fixed. I love this place. Very nice guys, especially to a pretty woman with a smile, and very reasonable prices. They fixed it for free. Made me feel fantastic. I will definitely go there again.

For the life of me, I can't really remember doing much productive after I got home. I watched a movie, ate some watermelon with my son. Then watched a show with my husband while my son went out with his dad to a concert. It was very nice. But I do feel guilty for not doing all that much this evening. Tomorrow will be productive though. Have to get more green stuff to the landfill and get a truckload of compost to have tilled in for next year's garden. Really looking forward to that. The garden, not the landfill.

Now just waiting for my son to come home so he can go to bed. And so I can go to bed.

Slowly changing everything

It's been a little over 2 weeks since quitting my job and sooo much has changed. I've started, for lack of a better word, homesteading. I've also started to pare down the clutter of my house. I'm going through everything and getting rid of stuff I can't use by donating them. I'm also going to make use of the things that I have. I'm finally starting to use the fabric that I have. Found a great pattern for an easy handbag to make for selling. My sister informed me of a consignment store where they take handmade goods.

Mostly what I've been doing is finding the best way for me to stay home while still being able to provide additional income to help with bills. I've decided to work for a temp agency a few days a week. That will ensure that I can be home at least a few days a week, but I'm also able to do what is needful at home as well. It's flexible work and I won't get bored or frustrated.

I had my first adventure in canning today. Here's hoping it will go well. The blue strawberry jam looks great. We'll see if it sets.

It's late and I need sleep. Have a full day tomorrow.

Frustration

I had a bad day at work. The compressor didn't work until 2 o'clock this afternoon so we had to deal with a backup that doesn't keep half the pressure we need. Rather annoying. My review has been put off til I don't know when. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.

I'm tired and I hate not knowing where I stand. With all the corrections I've needed from Sharla, I'm not sure if I'll even be able to work upstairs. And if that's the case, what's the point of staying there? I might as well work in an office again, I wouldn't be nearly so tired at the end of the day and I might make more money so I can get rid of my debt and moving to Oregon will be easier.

I'm pretty sure that I'll be ok, but there's always that lingering doubt. The doubt that I'm just not good enough. I was thinking about this earlier today while marking and cutting foam. Why do I have this need for constant approval? Why can't it be good enough? I know I'm not perfect, who is? But Why do I always have to ask if I'm doing ok, or doing something right?

Maybe it's because I've always wanted to be the person that people think of when they need something. Like, "only Cali can do this", "Cali is so talented that we need to find out what she thinks". It may be that need to be remembered. That what I gave and left behind is more than what I took.

I just hope that I can be that person.

Progress?

I'm not really sure why I am feeling this. Save that today wasn't that great of a day at work. Feeling pretty worthless in that I keep messing up. Little things, but they are things that I'm trying to do right, but I can't seem to do them well enough for the QA person. I feel like a bum when I'm at home and that Matt does all the work. And I know he would disagree. It's just how I feel.

I can't seem to get the energy to finish a project. I still haven't finished a large cross stitch for months. The little ones, no problem. But those are the ones that can be done in a couple of days. I haven't finished the jacket for james, I need to find a blackwork pattern that I want to put on the lapels and sew the back attachment. But I need him over here to make sure it's going to fit right.

I haven't made any soap like I've been wanting to for months. Every time I want to make it, there's another obstacle. Money, equipment or something else gets in the way.

I don't think my garden is going to do well this summer, I planted too late. I have spiders making webs in my lettuce, but I don't know how to fix it at the moment and I have places in my yard that are completely dead. As in not even weeds will grow there. That's pretty damned dead.

To top it all off, my friends James and Rose might be moving to Southern Utah. He has a line on a job doing something that he wants to do. Not that I begrudge him that, I wish I could make money doing something that I WANT to do. Not something that I HAVE to. But I thought the plan was to eventually move to Oregon and start the farm there. I don't want to go to southern Utah. It's even hotter there than here. And drier. I want to go to Oregon so badly my teeth hurt. Why have I been working to get experience in growing vegetables and herbs if that's not going to happen?

It seems like every step forward has kicked me two steps back. I can't make any progress, not in reducing my debt not in getting my business going and not in the overall plan. Am I just bashing my head against a wall?

I'm frustrated at work, tired when I get home and when I've rested a little, I feel too depressed to do anything else. Maybe the trick is to keep moving and not sit down at all. Right now I just want to cry.

Maybe I'll just go and wash dished instead. Keep moving.

Producing vs. Consuming

I've been thinking about this argument for a while now and I'd much rather be a part of the producing. Don't get me wrong, we still have to consume. Just a part of our economy. We can't make EVERYTHING we need to survive. But I'm starting to change my circumstances to make/produce more so that I can improve my life. Also, by being able to produce more I can start taking myself off the grid more and more.

More food grown at home means less food purchased at the store, saving money, money which can go to my debt reduction.

More clothes made at home means less buying clothes made in third world sweatshops. Less fuel used to transport the clothes. Now I just need to find a local supplier of cloth, I don't really have time to grow, spin and weave my own. Until then, I will shop at Hancock's fabric. I get good coupons there.

I've always loved making cross stitch, and especially giving them away. Matt keeps telling me to keep a couple of them, and I do. But I much rather see the expression on someone's face when I give them a piece.

I love costuming. Case in point: my friend James asked me to alter a jacket for a photo shoot for him. Well, I did it, but I had a different picture in my mind. So I went out, got some gorgeous fabric and made a different jacket. When he came by to see the altered jacket, he just fell in love with the other. I wasn't certain if he'd like it, but I guess I know my friends.