New Aquisitions

I just got a load of 2x6's and 2x8's for free by responding to an ad on Craigslist. Not sure exactly what I'm going to do with them. Some of them will be to add some height to the strawberry patch and some will probably go to build my compost pile.

I need to get some seed for a cover crop this fall. Probably clover. It will come back and keep the weeds down during the year. I really need to sit down with my farmer boys and make the plan for next year. Crop rotation and all.

Sometimes I hate it here

I got a call today from my son at school. Someone slashed his tires, again. That goes along with the bullying, name calling and general abuse that he gets. I live in a predominately Hispanic neighborhood and my son is blond with blue eyes. They call him a Nazi and hit him in the hallways. My house has been robbed once and my garage twice. My own bike has been stolen twice, by son's once and my husband's tools were taken as well.

The whole situation gets me so angry my arms feel like vibrating because I want to take the little fuckers and beat the shit out of them. No goddamned respect for other people's belongings or the money it takes their parents to replace what you are destroying because you don't like this boy who hasn't done anything to you but look different. He doesn't insult you, he doesn't pull pranks on you. He doesn't want to make fun of you. He just wants to go to school and make friends. He wants to know that he can walk down the street without fearing that you will stop and beat him up.

Further Realizations

I never realized I could be this happy. I'm calm, not too stressed out. It's wonderful. Although I did have a small meltdown earlier today. And it reminded me why I hated working in computers. They do things with no meaning sometimes. Do computers have a purpose beyond a useful tool? Why have we become slaves to these things? Because we want to stay connected to the rest of the world and play games. I've noticed that I am spending more time away from my computer. I'm not on it for hours at a time anymore. I have things to do. Things that make me happy and provide for my family and their well-being. Cleaning the house, canning food or making stuff for the house.

I was able to get rid of a large stack of movies today. Took them to a place that buys them. I wanted to get cash for them, as I don't want to buy anything more. They offered me a respectable amount, but they would give me twice as much if I wanted in-store credit. Since I wanted to get rid of them, I agreed. Even though it annoyed me.

Then it was off to get my tire fixed. I love this place. Very nice guys, especially to a pretty woman with a smile, and very reasonable prices. They fixed it for free. Made me feel fantastic. I will definitely go there again.

For the life of me, I can't really remember doing much productive after I got home. I watched a movie, ate some watermelon with my son. Then watched a show with my husband while my son went out with his dad to a concert. It was very nice. But I do feel guilty for not doing all that much this evening. Tomorrow will be productive though. Have to get more green stuff to the landfill and get a truckload of compost to have tilled in for next year's garden. Really looking forward to that. The garden, not the landfill.

Now just waiting for my son to come home so he can go to bed. And so I can go to bed.

Slowly changing everything

It's been a little over 2 weeks since quitting my job and sooo much has changed. I've started, for lack of a better word, homesteading. I've also started to pare down the clutter of my house. I'm going through everything and getting rid of stuff I can't use by donating them. I'm also going to make use of the things that I have. I'm finally starting to use the fabric that I have. Found a great pattern for an easy handbag to make for selling. My sister informed me of a consignment store where they take handmade goods.

Mostly what I've been doing is finding the best way for me to stay home while still being able to provide additional income to help with bills. I've decided to work for a temp agency a few days a week. That will ensure that I can be home at least a few days a week, but I'm also able to do what is needful at home as well. It's flexible work and I won't get bored or frustrated.

I had my first adventure in canning today. Here's hoping it will go well. The blue strawberry jam looks great. We'll see if it sets.

It's late and I need sleep. Have a full day tomorrow.

Frustration

I had a bad day at work. The compressor didn't work until 2 o'clock this afternoon so we had to deal with a backup that doesn't keep half the pressure we need. Rather annoying. My review has been put off til I don't know when. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.

I'm tired and I hate not knowing where I stand. With all the corrections I've needed from Sharla, I'm not sure if I'll even be able to work upstairs. And if that's the case, what's the point of staying there? I might as well work in an office again, I wouldn't be nearly so tired at the end of the day and I might make more money so I can get rid of my debt and moving to Oregon will be easier.

I'm pretty sure that I'll be ok, but there's always that lingering doubt. The doubt that I'm just not good enough. I was thinking about this earlier today while marking and cutting foam. Why do I have this need for constant approval? Why can't it be good enough? I know I'm not perfect, who is? But Why do I always have to ask if I'm doing ok, or doing something right?

Maybe it's because I've always wanted to be the person that people think of when they need something. Like, "only Cali can do this", "Cali is so talented that we need to find out what she thinks". It may be that need to be remembered. That what I gave and left behind is more than what I took.

I just hope that I can be that person.

Progress?

I'm not really sure why I am feeling this. Save that today wasn't that great of a day at work. Feeling pretty worthless in that I keep messing up. Little things, but they are things that I'm trying to do right, but I can't seem to do them well enough for the QA person. I feel like a bum when I'm at home and that Matt does all the work. And I know he would disagree. It's just how I feel.

I can't seem to get the energy to finish a project. I still haven't finished a large cross stitch for months. The little ones, no problem. But those are the ones that can be done in a couple of days. I haven't finished the jacket for james, I need to find a blackwork pattern that I want to put on the lapels and sew the back attachment. But I need him over here to make sure it's going to fit right.

I haven't made any soap like I've been wanting to for months. Every time I want to make it, there's another obstacle. Money, equipment or something else gets in the way.

I don't think my garden is going to do well this summer, I planted too late. I have spiders making webs in my lettuce, but I don't know how to fix it at the moment and I have places in my yard that are completely dead. As in not even weeds will grow there. That's pretty damned dead.

To top it all off, my friends James and Rose might be moving to Southern Utah. He has a line on a job doing something that he wants to do. Not that I begrudge him that, I wish I could make money doing something that I WANT to do. Not something that I HAVE to. But I thought the plan was to eventually move to Oregon and start the farm there. I don't want to go to southern Utah. It's even hotter there than here. And drier. I want to go to Oregon so badly my teeth hurt. Why have I been working to get experience in growing vegetables and herbs if that's not going to happen?

It seems like every step forward has kicked me two steps back. I can't make any progress, not in reducing my debt not in getting my business going and not in the overall plan. Am I just bashing my head against a wall?

I'm frustrated at work, tired when I get home and when I've rested a little, I feel too depressed to do anything else. Maybe the trick is to keep moving and not sit down at all. Right now I just want to cry.

Maybe I'll just go and wash dished instead. Keep moving.

Producing vs. Consuming

I've been thinking about this argument for a while now and I'd much rather be a part of the producing. Don't get me wrong, we still have to consume. Just a part of our economy. We can't make EVERYTHING we need to survive. But I'm starting to change my circumstances to make/produce more so that I can improve my life. Also, by being able to produce more I can start taking myself off the grid more and more.

More food grown at home means less food purchased at the store, saving money, money which can go to my debt reduction.

More clothes made at home means less buying clothes made in third world sweatshops. Less fuel used to transport the clothes. Now I just need to find a local supplier of cloth, I don't really have time to grow, spin and weave my own. Until then, I will shop at Hancock's fabric. I get good coupons there.

I've always loved making cross stitch, and especially giving them away. Matt keeps telling me to keep a couple of them, and I do. But I much rather see the expression on someone's face when I give them a piece.

I love costuming. Case in point: my friend James asked me to alter a jacket for a photo shoot for him. Well, I did it, but I had a different picture in my mind. So I went out, got some gorgeous fabric and made a different jacket. When he came by to see the altered jacket, he just fell in love with the other. I wasn't certain if he'd like it, but I guess I know my friends.

Garden Journal 7/31/2011

I figured that it's probably about time I start documenting my gardening progress.

Matt and I have made, with James' generous help, two raised garden boxes. They are larger than most others I've seen, but I hate bending down to get things. We planted peas, carrots, onions, leaf lettuce, spinach and cherry tomatoes in the northmost bed. In the south, we put in pumpkin, watermelon, cucumber and bell peppers. We also put in some chamomile plants. They are all doing well, some better than others. The onions I'm concerned about, they look a bit spindly. But as I've never grown real food plants, other than herbs and strawberries, I've no idea.

My nephew will be over next friday to help me get more planting space ready. I currently have 128 square feet of gardening space. And I'm going to expand my herb garden to be placed in the flower bed that runs along the house. I already have a few herb there, but the four o'clocks have always taken over in the summer. I just hate the little white flies that congregate around them. I can use them for picking, and I can't tell if they have a scent.

One thing I'm leaving in the herb bed is the climbing rose bush that I planted two years ago. Mostly because I love roses, and the other is that they are a pain in the ass to move or remove. So, I'll trim it up, put a trellis behind it and let it go up.

I have some bricks that I pulled from my front flower bed. I thought to use them as a pathway from my house to the garage in winter. But I may have a better use for them. I'm not going to raise the herb bed, but I was thinking about using them to give a few places some height. Just a couple of places that I put the bricks in, make an island and fill in with dirt and herbs. Like the ones that need better drainage and ones that kind of creep. It will also give the side yard some dimension and more visual appeal. The flat flower beds are kinda boring.

The northern bed that is next to the garage will be a double dug bed, but first, it needs to be cleaned out. All the wildflowers and volunteer trees will need to be removed, and the dirt dug down and sifted to remove all the weeds. We will take it in stages. It's damned hot at the end of the summer. But it's the first step. This bed will be raised a little. Running some 2 by 8's along the edges will give it some height and I'll be able to make a separated space in the same bed where I can plant my mints and they won't be able to invade the other beds. The west side of the bed will be used for the strawberry patch. I'll be moving all my plants to this area in the spring before they flower and have all them in the same place. Between the mints and strawberries will be spinach and leaf lettuce. And maybe a couple other plants that like a shady spot.

The small bed in front of that one will be used for blueberries. I'd put in raspberries, but I don't like eating them fresh like I do blueberries. Maybe if I expand the planting space into other flower beds, I'll add raspberries and blackberries. Maybe make jam to give to friends.

Since this is all for planning next year, it's time for me to hit the books and the internet to get the exact information I'll need to ensure a good crop next year. I don't want to do it on the fly like I did this year. Slapdash work just drives me nuts. And hey, if I get enough food, I might take it to the people's market and get tentspace and sell it.

A new turn on life

Matt and I have been working with James and Rose to change our whole lifestyle. And I'm so enthusiastically going for it. I've already started buying supplies to start making soap and homemade care products that use a minimum, preferably none at all, of toxic chemicals.

Checked out some books from the library, ordered some online and have started growing some food and herbs to start this going. I have some jars and a few mixing things. I am even looking at custom dyeing fabric. For which I bought two metal washtubs. And I even checked out some books on natural dyeing.

Now the only thing getting in the way is the 10 hours a day that I have to work. I'm getting a lot of experience in making things for production, hopefully I will be able to start working upstairs soon. The glue room is hell on my skin. So I need to find a good lotion/repair regimen for when I'm home.

That's all I have for now.

Discouragement?

Well, it's been about 3 weeks since I started going to the gym at least 3 days a week. I haven't been eating more and I have been eating better. I haven't seen much of a difference in my clothes, which is where I'm hoping to see something new. But I do feel better. I sleep better on nights that I go to the gym. I am more calm and I might actually have more energy.

Diana wanted to ask me about my routine. And I have been thinking about it. Here's what I do at the gym.

I get on the elliptical machine and I setup the "weight loss" program which is 28 minutes of interval resistance. Last time I went to the gym, I wasn't able to last more than 10 minutes. At the time I only listened to my mp3 player. Last week I got on the machine and one of my favorite shows was on, NCIS. It was a re-run but I enjoyed it anyway. I was watching the episode and at one point I looked down and I had almost completed the entire 28 minutes.

I've repeated the experience on other days. Even watching Law and Order: SVU (not a show I'm particularly involved in). So, as long as I'm watching something interesting, I have no problems finishing the program. Tonight was a difficult session. All of the elliptical machines were in use except the ones in front of the windows. I was really uncomfortable because I could watch myself and all I had was music, with no video. It was a struggle to complete the program.

So, I will ensure that when I go, I will get a machine in front of the TV. Or I'm going to make sure I have video loaded on my phone. I hate the struggle, but I do like the feeling afterward. Just that little bit of soreness.

After the cardio, I do back extension and ab work as well as working on my arms. I think I'll need to add some leg work too.